Sex after birth (or before)

Sometimes sex results in parenthood and sometimes, parenthood prevents sex! 

We are consumed by a society that teaches us that you marry/are monogamous to one person - sex life reduces, you have children – sex life reduces and live happily ever after – sex life reduces with age.

What if this did not have to be true. Many couples find that actually, with time, sex improves. As you change and grow together, couples often find they have the best sex of their lives later on. This does not come without effort, however. Appreciating each other’s bodies, and personalities as they take on different roles. Having clear conversations and making time for intimate connections at different life stages is vitally important.

TRYING TO CONCEIVE BABY LOSS PREGNANCY PARENTHOOD EMPTY NEST

 Trying to conceive

You may have decided you want to have a baby and may by actively or passively trying to conceive. 

This decision changes the role of sex and the priority shifts from pleasure to the consequence. This can often add pressure and remove intimacy from sex. Especially if trying to conceive takes longer than anticipated. Frustration, resentment and doubt begin to creep in. All affecting the subconscious and conscious mind as well as taking enjoyment and spontaneity out of the equation. 

A battle then develops between trying to continue your sexual relationship and successful fertilisation. This leap into the next chapter of this story you are writing together. From pleasure to pregnancy. 

Try to retain that pleasure and allow it to evolve with you. 

We are taught at school how NOT to get pregnant and that is often where it ends. We are expected to accept its literally that simple. Just follow the contraceptive advice you were demonstrated on a vegetable. Do not get pregnant until you are settled down and want to start a family. And then BOOM, easy, crack on - you will be knee deep in nappies before you know.

What we fail to be made aware of is that this is not always the case.

Currently working on some resources for those trying to conceive.

Baby Loss

An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage (tommys.org).

The fallout from this is felt by all parents. The physical effects. The grief for the expectations that you had. The unknown future faced. These emotions are raw and handled differently by everyone with the coping mechanisms and support systems you have built up. Its effect on your relationship can be hard and heavy for both the person that was physically pregnant and the persons that were not.

In 2019 the Office for National Statistics shows that 18 in 1000 women had an abortion. It is important for many that this is recognised as a baby loss due to the wide variety of circumstances surrounding it, including disability, financial situations, problematic relationships just to name a few.

Baby loss in whatever form is so much more common than we realise. The upset and uncertainty can be helped if society shared their experiences. The stigma that surrounds these subjects is unwarranted and unnecessary.

With such a variety of circumstances, including length of pregnancy and reasons for the loss it is important to recognise the impact these have on sex and relationships.

Relationships with bodies can change, as the roles of our bodies change becoming more medicalised than intimate. Many may feel as though they have failed their partner and are unsure how to support each other through this do not know when is acceptable to feel comfortable to have sex again, either romantically or to conceive. There is so much emotional doubt that requires consistent communication.

Usually this is not the story you would have written for yourself, however, once again discussion, understanding, and reasoning helps us appreciate each other and move onto our next chapters.

Currently working on some resources covering sex and grief.

Pregnancy

Having a baby inside you brings its own challenges when it comes to sex and relationships, regardless of relationship status.  

Mental Hurdles

You may find your pregnancy brings different waves of hormones that increase your sexual desire. You may find these hormones significantly decrease sexual desire. Both are normal. 

Your body is no longer your own when pregnant. You are growing all over and you do not have autonomy. This can be really disconcerting for some. Making feeling desirable quite difficult and mentally challenging. Body image alters. Add to this, concerns of “poking the baby” or the baby feeling what is happening and the moral dilemma of this.

Physical Hurdles

As if the mental hurdles were not enough to potentially obstruct your sex life during pregnancy – the actual physical change in your body can cause some logistical changes. 

Unless otherwise advised by a medical professional sex is fine to have when pregnant, this includes penetrative sex, and the use of sex toys. If you are having sex with a new partner during a pregnancy, ensure use of barrier contraception – such as condoms. 

Sexual positions used may have to alter to a behind or side by side style position rather than anyone on top for comfort of both parties. Pillows are a great tool to aide positioning and comfort – whether pregnant or not. 

You may find that penetrative sex may not be able to be as deep due to the positioning of the cervix. 

Braxton Hicks contractions could be set off by sex. These appear later in pregnancy and are quite normal.

If you are not comfortable having penetrative pregnancy sex this is quite common. There are many elements of sex you can still incorporate into your relationship to ensure pleasure and enjoyment. Use this opportunity to experiment with different types of sexual play including different touch and clitoral stimulation for example. 

Childbirth 

Childbirth can both a beautiful and a traumatic experience for all involved, with some relishing it and others experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

This is as a result of both the physical endurance but also the emotional one – for all participants, be they actively birthing or supportive.  Going through this experience can change how we perceive each other. Through a time of great stress and potential anxiety and as roles change to parents. 

Communication is key in prior preparation and throughout to enable smooth transition, free from resentment and conflict, as priorities change. 

The physical and emotional healing process is different for all. There is no set time frame. Even once healed, penetrative sex or any for of sexual relationship may take time. Adjusting to the healing post-partum body that is left with and the concern over discomfort requires trust and honest discussion and guidance. 

Parenthood

Pregnancy and childbirth are just the beginning. 

Having children and trying to maintain a happy, healthy and pleasurable relationship AND raise little humans with a positive awareness of sex, bodies and relationships themselves. 

When it comes to your sexual relationship, young children may leave you feeling over-touched and needing space rather than physical intimacy from a partner. Constantly being needed rather than wanted can affect how you see yourself psychologically.  Finding and taking time to be with each other becomes a challenge and spontaneity can often go out of the window. So, scheduling time for each to reconnect both sexually and emotionally with each other is important.

Before you know it, children are asking questions about bodies, ‘how babies are made’, sex and relationships. This may leave you feeling uncomfortable and worried about saying the right thing. It is important to remember that your discomfort is learnt behaviour perhaps because you have been conditioned not to talk about sex or these conversations in your youth led to embarrassment. 

Each age brings a variety of questions as social awareness increases. Honesty is the best policy. Children are not too young to learn about sex if they are asking questions about it. If you do not know an answer, say, and perhaps see if they want to learn together – using books or one of my sexercises. If you do know an answer, try to ensure correct names for body parts are used, and try to remove any elements of shame or fear. Sex is a positive and pleasurable experience. People ‘do it’ because they enjoy it! Regardless of gender, sexuality or relationship status.

Empty Nest

One day – your children will leave home for their own life experiences. How exciting. No matter what the future holds this is a moment of celebration. But often some dread can creep in. The nest is empty. Your roles as parents is no longer the same. And so begins a new chapter. One where you rediscover each other and adapt to your new situation. This may seem strange in long term relationships, surely if people have been together this long there is no change or work needed within the relationship? 

It is so important to see your relationship as this story. Every story has chapters, changes and pages to turn. You can write your story, and ensure those chapters transition smoothly between one another if you can accept that as individuals you change and adapt to situations and environments. These changes are physical, emotional and environmental. Tackling them together and ensuring you approach with open minds and honest discussion can help reduce conflict. 

Work together to maintain your relationship through this change and others with my Sexercises.